From the time a pregnant women notices that the smell of coffee can make her stomach fight a civil war, she is bombarded with materials meant to help make informed decisions about her precious little one. It can be helpful, and harassing. The information is confusing, conflicting, and swayed by the trends of the season or generation. And if the mass emails, junk snail mail, and daunting library of literature on the subject aren’t enough, there are of course the anecdotes… I mean, expert advise… of dear ol’ mom and dad.
Lately, pacifiers have been the subject of passionate discussion, and it reaches all areas of baby care to include the mental effects, the germ issue, dental consequences, and logistical problems. Parents ask themselves if pacifiers are worth dealing with for all the issues they create. If they use them, do they go all out or do they restrict the usage? What kind of pacifier to use? What is moderation in this case anyway? What about the dreaded weaning?!
And there is no right answer. When my husband and I were approaching the time to wean our first son off the pacifier we first decided to ask our pediatrician. The response was, “whenever he seems ready.” Helpful. Thanks. Then I turned to the plethora of articles in the baby magazines. Some were handy dandy tips and tricks. Others offered the complete opposite information and yet seemed just as plausible a solution. My husband decided the dentist was the appropriate decision maker. Of course, his obsessive fear of crooked teeth requiring us to pay for braces later in life actually fueled that determination. Nonetheless, he asked. The dentist insisted that the pacifier should have been eliminated from our arsenal to begin with (he didn’t have to live with my son) and therefore we must begin weaning immediately. Precisely being what daddy wanted to hear, he declared independence from the pacifier. I smiled sweetly and said, “good luck with that honey.” (followed by roaring laughter while exiting stage left.) Later the speech counselor who came to diagnose the delay in verbal communication mentioned the detriment of the pacifier. Apparently he cannot speak correctly with a pacifier in his mouth. Go figure huh. All of the potential problems, all of the suggestions, all of the information were both obvious and obscure. Of course he can’t speak with the pacifier in his mouth. Of course his teeth would be affected if he kept it too long. Is it that hard to keep it clean? Is that why he had that cold last week? Do I need to get rid of it, and how? Do I keep it until we “lose” it somewhere? Why do I have such a headache over a small piece of silicone?
Then the answer came to me like a flash of lightening while I was on the toilet. (With two small children it is a blessed day to even have that time alone. What do you want from me!) The answer wasn’t in the details. It was in the preparation. Just like in sports, the game is won in practice. A majority of the information about pacifier usage concentrated on the wrong subject, and I found it a trend in almost every written word: we were focusing too much on the side effects of pacifier usage. Why had pacifiers been demonized? Because we had forgotten to focus on the purpose of the pacifier.
Back to basics everyone! Q. Why use a pacifier? A. Because it comforts baby. Because it teaches baby to self-sooth… meaning baby learns to use resources in their reach to comfort themselves. Genius. Why had no one thought of that before?! Oh wait…
So it occurred to me that instead of making decisions about pacifiers based on the side effects, I would make decisions about pacifier usage for my child based on the purpose of the pacifier. And wouldn’t you know that most of the side effects that came with the pacifier became minimal and manageable. By simply making choices about when to use and how to use the pacifier based on the expressed purpose of the pacifier I eliminated so much baggage. It seems like a simple solution. Everything in moderation yes? No. It is a change of perspective. Keeping in moderation only serves to restrict. But changing your perspective toward true goals creates freedom without the need for restriction. Compare it to “the diet”. Dieting involves restricting the food intake, even to a moderate and governable level. But we all know from the nutritionist and doctors that it takes a “life change” to actually create healthy living. The phrase “everything in moderation” is a scam. It allows for the negative in life to have control over decision making… if only in moderation. Let us decide to embrace freedom by choosing to work toward the true goals of things and let go of the fear that dominates us, not only in motherhood and fatherhood, but in our careers, and lives. It is simple: Identify goal. Make decision accordingly.
Amazingly, freedom has its own consequences. Usually they result in less stress, better discernment, and more flexibility to deal with daily problems. Once my spirit was freed from the burdens of possible consequences, I began to see clearly how to deal with said consequences. The potential side effects of pacifiers, and the impending war of the weaning may have been giants of the enemy army, but my sanity was my slingshot and stone. It is a paradox at work that focusing on the truth will release you to conquer the very consequences that held you captive before. Suddenly it wasn’t so confusing. Q. What if the pacifier is dirty and baby needs it? A. Wash it. Q. What kind of pacifier do I use? A. The one baby likes. Q. What if the pacifiers effect his teeth? A. Read ADA literature. Find out when sucking reflex effects teeth. Most ADA and dental resources will tell you that by 3 or 4 years is when sucking truly becomes a dental issue. Accomplish teaching self-soothing before then. (by the way, they will on their own if you use the pacifier only when necessary… meaning when baby needs comfort. Back to basics! ) Q. When do I begin weaning? A. When baby can self-sooth… aka: when he is ready. Suddenly my pediatrician becomes wise. Thanks. That was helpful.
I know that most of you still crave the bulleted checklist of items meant to help you sift through the rubbish and the unclear. I despise giving it to you, but I will under one condition: You must take this only as an experiential account. I intend it only to encourage you in the race before us, and to let you know that I share your burdens:
___ Do I use a pacifier?
Some babies will take the pacifier, and some won’t. So in my novice opinion, you should let baby decide.
When breastfeeding, the circulating rule of thumb “to restrain from using the pacifier until baby breast feeds with ease” seemed to work very well for me and many of my peers.
I do not believe that by providing a pacifier you are instilling some sort of mental weakness into the baby’s personality. Comfort is not a privilege for a baby, but a requirement, shown in study after study. (google: “1958 Harlow Monkey Study” for one example) Pacifiers provide comfort and teach self-soothing. Therefore, in my perspective, going without it for some vague principle against the pacifier is like re-inventing the wheel for the sheer stubbornness of it.
Of course, breast feeding can provide comfort through sustenance and sucking. And doctors will recommend that using a finger can be just as satisfying for an anxious infant. But logistically speaking, that is so not plausible for very long. Good to know, but not worth basing the decision upon.
___ Choose to use the pacifier that your child responds best to:
This means some trial and error. It isn’t big drama, but baby will cry until you find the right one. It’s okay. Just relax and know that it is a process, and that in the end it will be better than forcing some special design you have decided is best. At the end of the day it is about what is best for baby, not you. And, if you are truly using the pacifier for its expressed purpose of providing comfort and teaching self-soothing, then you need to choose the one that actually does that, despite your predetermined rules.
___ How do you make sure you are not over-using the pacifier?
You will not overuse the pacifier if you give it to baby when he requires comforting, which is when baby is upset or tired. In the first several months it may seem like you are shoving the paci in baby’s mouth every moment you get, but truly the baby needs it the most during that time. Seriously, in the first several months baby is either uncomfortable or tired 90% of the time. Mom is too for that matter!
When baby gets older, the temptation to give the pacifier to the baby when she is happy and loud can be overwhelming. This is where people trip-up and begin a cycle of “pacifier addiction”. Remember, pacifiers are for comfort, and if baby is happy then he doesn’t need the pacifier. Granted we have all been there, and we all understand the benefit of a pacifier when baby gets loud, if even for unabashed glee. Don’t feel bad if you choose to use it in those sensitive situations like airplanes and such. Just be aware of when you are using the pacifier as a muzzle, and I am sure that you will not over-indulge.
Consider a transitional object, like a teddy bear or blanket that can supplement the comfort aspect. These items can provide the minimal comfort needed, and then allow the pacifier for more intense circumstances, like extreme discomfort or especially sleepiness. Teddy bears and blankets can also provide the “security” necessary for a growing baby to step out and express joy in what could seem like an overwhelming context. The need for security actually shows growth, as they move from needing comfort to a boost of self-confidence. Given a security item like a bear or blanket with the pacifier, baby can transition at her own pace without too much stress on mom and dad having to force the issue.
___ How should I clean the pacifier?
There are so many fears of disease and germs. Whole empires of business are built on the fear by creating ways to alleviate it. You have to assess your child’s environment, and clean accordingly. When my first son was born it was January in Boston MA. If you are not aware… that is a new kind of holy cold up there, especially for a southern girl like me. I was concerned about dressing him warmly, but not too warmly. I followed a great rule of thumb given to me by my no-nonsense pediatrician: Whatever you would do for yourself, take one more step, and no more. And that is all you need. So… whatever you would do for yourself to keep healthy in cleanliness, take one more step for your baby. Of course, my baby ended up with a heat rash, so I had re-evaluate and realize he was my Connecticut-born husband’s son too! (I did say this was just my experience. It is by no means medical advice!)
___ What about weaning off the pacifier?
A benefit of not overusing the pacifier, is that babies or toddlers will naturally demote their pacifier’s importance on their own as they find less need for it. Of course, it isn’t a sudden death play for most children, so some coaching from care givers is usually required. But, the process is much easier if you begin after you notice the natural loss of interest.
Having that security item, a so-called transitional object, can help a lot. It provides security, as mentioned before, and can, therefore, provide a more mature sense of comfort necessary for giving up the pacifier. The child can give up the pacifier, but not their cherished bear, for instance, allowing him more confidence to go through the weaning process.
Some kids give up the pacifier with a big ah-ha moment, like a window shade being yanked up with excitement. Others take more time, like a curious but timid child peeking through slowly opening blinds. It is okay no matter what your child is like. But, do them the favor of investigating which type she is instead of making the decision based on trends or vague impersonal advice. They deserve to enter that gate of sophistication in the way most likely to produce success for them.
___ What about…..
Be encouraged sweet parent! You can be both flexible and strong. Of course, you will make mistakes, and no one will follow a plan to the minute detail except maybe NASA. Believe it or not, there are actually less rules in raising a child than sending one to the moon. So, relax. The best thing you can do for your child is to be you. Let baby be addicted to that 
Jackie Raimondi is the owner and creator of BinkiBear. She runs the company from home and takes care of her two children, ages 3 and 2. You can read more about Jackie at www.binkibear.com
